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Posts Tagged ‘US Congress’

Conservatives Beware–You May Be In Over Your Head On This!

If you are one of those racist, Fox News-watching, Halliburton-loving, tea-bagging, right-wing extremists, you are probably too academically deficient to comprehend the sheer genius contained herein.  But read on, my red-necked friends, you might learn something.

Methane contributes significantly to global warming.

I have no supportive data on that, but, when I saw him recently at the “Happy Endings Day Spa”, Al Gore assured me that the assertion is true. (For the record, I was only there for a facial.) Intrigued, I asked the distinguished former Vice President for some insights on how we can, once and for all, put an end to the imminently life-threatening menace called “global flatulence”.  This was his recommended approach:

Liberal Logic Snap Shot

Cheese is binding, therefore, it should be consumed in mass quantities to reduce human methane emissions. Left to free will and free markets, it is unlikely that individuals will consume the projected 20 lbs a day necessary to effectively “cork” a nation. This proves that liberty and capitalism are poor substitutes for sound public policy when it comes to providing for the general welfare of the planet.

Al’s Action Plan

To set an example for the rest of the world, the federal government of the United States shall unilaterally require that, under penalty of massive fines and/or imprisonment, everyone (including illegals, who of course would be exempt from the law enforcement component; but fully exempting our Muslim brothers and sisters) shall be required to consume copious amounts of cheese. Several government agencies shall be created, and at least 2 “Fart Czars” shall be hired, to oversee the program.

The repulsive “pull my finger” game popular with Dads across America shall heretofore be permanently banned.

Problem

Much of the cheese supply comes from cows, which emit methane gas in great quantities.

Solution

Mandatory catalytic converters on all cows. (George Soros has recently purchased a company that makes these devices and he’s offering us a good price on the equipment!) Goat/sheep converters will be phased in over time. Delaying the initial cost of the non-bovine expenditures will be seen as a great victory for fiscal responsibility by Senator Olympia Snowe and her swing vote will thus be “earned” by Harry Reid. We can get this done, folks!

Problem

Excessive cheese intake may limit the effectiveness of the First Lady’s ongoing “war on fat kids”.

Solution

In exchange for a percentage of Chicago Climate Exchange revenues, Michelle Obama will pick another, non-conflicting cause to champion. No worries, Chicago-style “quid pro quo” is just the cost of doing business with certain people.

Outcome/Call to Action

If this plan works, and it will because Mr. Gore says so, the total cost of saving the world will be approximately $100 Trillion-Gazillion over 1,000 years…don’t sweat the details though.  It’s clearly worth every penny–but we must act NOW or risk irreversible damage to Mother Earth!

As Al stated to me so eloquently, either you support this measure or you want the planet to die. There’s simply no arguing with logic like that!

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